14 Ways Earth Can Demonstrate To The Galactic Federation That It Is Ready For Contact

Kick out the former game show host from his position as leader of the free world.

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Photo by Guillermo Ferla on Unsplash
  1. Shrink the global wealth gap between the rich and the poor through extensive redistribution efforts.
  2. Give Amy Adams an Oscar.
  3. Institute a total stoppage to the state-sponsored assassinations of thought leaders and revolutionaries.
  4. Give everyone the six days between Christmas and New Year’s Eve off.
  5. Establish an international agreement to end the forever wars, which serve to subjugate countries in the Global South, promote neo-imperialism, and create power vacuums for terrorist organizations to materialize.
  6. Order pubs to offer more food than just truffle oil and French fries.
  7. Establish a standardized, global Universal Basic Income, ensuring a respectable quality of life for all people.
  8. Bring the agents of chaos responsible for designing Trader Joe’s parking lots to justice, and indict them for their breathtaking cruelty.
  9. PUT THE COCAINE BACK IN COCA-COLA.
  10. Demonstrate Earth’s ability to collectively address an existential threat by enacting a global commitment to combating climate change.
  11. Eliminate the Twitter quote tweet.
  12. Reflect on why Earthlings demonstrate such a grotesque display of cultural narcissism in their personal interactions; investigate how their atomized sense of community and concern for the health and well-being of others has withered so much that wearing a thin, woven mask over the bottom half of their face to prevent untold amounts of death and suffering is an indefensible violation their human rights. (This one only mostly applies to the United States). Repair these philosophies.
  13. Make it illegal for people over 30 to use the words “adulting” and “pupper.”

Dylan is a writer and future dead body. His work can be found in McSweeney's, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and others. He occasionally publishes under a pseudonym.

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